Talk To Me
by trunks111
Summary: NarutoItachi. Yaoi. Warnings: self-harm, suicide, swearing. Life hasn't been the best for either of them. They have dealt with it as they've seen fit. They do love each other, even if they don't see eye-to-eye on everything. Can they help each other or will they dissolve?
1. Chapter 1

' _My depression first became noticeable when I was in the sixth grade, I was eleven. Lots of things happened at that time. I began public school after being homeschooled the previous two years. I made a fool of myself, writing a note to a boy, what I thought would be anonymously, and having another classmate deliver it. He was extremely angry at me the following day and proceeded to yell at me in front of the few students that were already in the room.  
From then, I was hated by everyone in my classes. Halfway through the year or so, a new student transferred in. Somehow, we actually became sort-of friends. He made me see there was nothing wrong with me. For after that one day, I had begun hating myself. But through his kindness, I slowly began liking myself again. He even introduced me to another boy, that was also similar to he and I. So for a time, I suppose, I felt better. I gained a set of best friends in the following grade, we were nigh inseparable.  
Eventually, the main friend moved away and the others and I drifted. When highschool began, I still hated my appearance. It took a bit, but I managed to convince my mother to let me dress as I wished.  
That year, was when I met my first boyfriend. He was older than me. Three years. I didn't mind though. At the time, he embodied everything I wanted to be. He seemed to know so much about things I wanted to learn about too. That was why I was with him. Not for any real attraction..., he simply was everything I wanted to be. It might have been foolish, but he was also my first. I was only fourteen. Maybe I should have waited, but I had thought I loved him. Our actual relationship was anything but good. He wasn't stable mentally, and that added to my own. There's a large part of things between us and after we broke up for the final(?) time, that I simply cannot recall. Not even my best friend, has told me what exactly transpired. I know he and I hung out constantly during that time, but I have no recollection of what we did or what was said. I love that man as a brother. He has been there for me through much. I was with him when he got his first tattoo at nineteen or twenty. One of his parents had been against it, but he was of legal age, and it was a family representative tattoo. _

_During highschool I must have had a couple boyfriends, none I cared for the way I did my first. The one boy..., screwed me up rather badly, but he also introduced me into something I had a natural talent for. Tarot Cards. I believed in them strongly, along with many other pagan beliefs. My first had introduced me into much of paganism I had been unaware of. My old best friend from middle school, had introduced me to the idea of spirit guides though, his religious beliefs I am unsure of, he never really discussed it.  
My last boyfriend in highschool, was probably my worst idea. I did it because he didn't know me. He was new to the school and the area itself. So I pursued him. Again, he wasn't stable, and neither was I at that time. It was my junior year, I wanted to drop out of school and just get my GED. I was tired of going to pointless classes, I wanted to get to college already so I could study what I wanted to and not what I didn't. I even tried to get into the sort-of fast track section of school, but my mother wouldn't sign the paper so I could.  
It was in my junior year that things got noticeably bad again. I was self-harming, again. I was tired of all the bullshit that was highschool. I didn't just want out of school, I wanted out of life. For a long time, and with the more books I read, I had hated the world. The books didn't help. My head was filled with magic, swords, quests, beasts, and all manner of things that don't exist (anymore). I used to believe I was born for a reason. That everyone had a purpose. I even did Tarot readings for myself to try to determine if I was doing the right things. I had vowed to never give up. I was even behind the It Gets Better project. _

_After high school, I had applied to and gotten accepted at my first choice college. I took a seasonal job though, to help pay for everything. It was there I met another boyfriend. He was older than me, five years this time. He may have been older in age, but he was younger in other ways. He had no direction, I tried to help him gain that. Eventually, we moved in together. I put off college, to be with him. He claimed he loved me. I tried to help him, I really did. It was all I'd wanted to do. However..., being with him and the job I acquired after our seasonal job had ended, did much more harm than I had ever dreamed possible.  
He would get angry at me for getting angry at my games. He said I was sad all the time, rather than depressed. And he blamed it on the music I listened to. One of my favorite bands had come out with a new CD and it was rather sad but it was hopeful as well. He blamed that CD for my feelings. Despite the fact that I'd felt that way since long before that CD and before I met him. When I was with him, I attempted suicide on three separate occasions. The first time, I hadn't really known what I was doing. Not enough anyway, to have properly done it. The second time however, I had been sure I had done it correctly. Waking up, had crushed me. I felt so much worse than before. The third try, I had been quite sure I had done it right. I still don't know how I survived.  
After the first try, I think, I began to seek counseling and medication. It had been my boyfriend who pushed me to do it though, for the medication at least. The first medication, however, took away everything. He was happy with it, but I was not. He didn't see the problem with my being unable to feel. I couldn't even write because I couldn't feel anything. I don't know why I thought I had loved him. Or why he said he loved me. I can see now, we didn't feel for each other the way we should have. I only regret not realizing that sooner. Perhaps I wouldn't have made so many attempts... _

_The next person I dated, was non-binary. They were younger than I. I sought to help them out of a bad place and offered them residence with myself and roommate at the time. I grew to care for them and they me. I tried to help them too. But they weren't ready for my help or anyone's for that matter. It ended between us, after I had enough of tiptoeing around them. I stated how I truly felt and they opted to simply leave rather than better themself._

 _Now..., I am with an older man. He's a good eleven years older. I don't mind the difference of course. We both have our issues. The difference with him, is he actually wants to help me with mine. He even sort-of knows how to help. I try to talk with him, but I am not good at such things. I never have been. I write things best. I want him and I to work. I did, afterall, propose to him two and a half weeks prior. He accepted and wears the ring. It's not always easy between us. We are quite different even if we do share common things.  
I am trying to do right by him. I still feel as I have since I was in sixth grade though. As I did when I was with my first boyfriend out of high school. I still feel that way. It has only worsened. I don't know what to do. I have ideas, biking, joining a gym to properly workout how I prefer. Playing card games weekly or bi-weekly with friends. I'm extremely passionate about two games in particular. I'm trying to teach him the one, but it is quite a bit to remember. _

_Since I was around nine or ten, I had discovered the first tattoo I desired for myself, which I still don't have. The first one I desired to get, however, was a dragon. As back when I had decided that, I had believed in spirit guides, and believed mine to be a dragon. So the tattoo would essentially be of him.  
However the first tattoo I got, was from a book series I favored. A black chain, wrapped three times around my upper arm. I had gotten it because that was when I still believed in past lives and other such things. It symbolizes that I am bound to the Wheel of Time, my chains are strong and unbroken and I am doomed to continue to keep living over and over, for I am bound.  
I used to believe I had a purpose and I couldn't die until it had been fulfilled. I even believed I saw difference in the coloration of my chain at certain times. If it was lighter, it meant I was getting closer to being free, but if it was darker, it meant I was bound tighter than ever.  
The third tattoo I got on my upper neck. Quite visible. A phrase I used to believe in strongly, but anymore has no meaning. Ji'e'toh. Honor and obligation. I used to believe in that phrase. A difficult phrase to really explain the meaning of if one hasn't read the books from which it hails. It was supposed to solidify my reason. To make me wish to stay alive.  
But none of my tattoos mean anything to me now. I don't believe in past lives. I don't believe in spirit guides. I don't believe in gods. I don't believe in Tarot Cards. I don't believe in magic. _

_Despite my depression and suicidal ideation, I am still trying. Some days are harder than others. I want to be with him, I truly do. He can actually give me a glimpse of what it's like to be happy. But day-to-day life is difficult. I don't know what can be done to make it easier. I know change takes time and I'm trying to change to keep him and have a life together. I should be doing this for myself, and there are some things I am doing for myself. Not much, but it's something. Right now, I'm living for him. Not myself. If I am being honest, I do not want to live. I don't know why really, other than that I hate this world and life. I used to believe strongly against it. I do think about the future some, but I'm more trying to get through the days as they occur.  
I know he loves me. I know that. I am trying for him, not for myself. I know I need more reason than just him. But nothing I can come up with seems to be worth anything.  
I used to be outspokenly pagan. I've lost all those beliefs though. I guess I may be an atheist again. It's not like my beliefs really fit with my scientific beliefs anyway. I never could understand how scientists could separate the two.  
I suppose I would like to regain my old beliefs, to an extent at least. I don't want to not believe in my tattoos anymore, that is for sure. Even if that is all I regained, that would be enough, I think. _

_I don't know that I will. I understand things now though. I understand why people turn to alcohol or drugs or even both. It makes sense to me now. Not so much as how they could let those things consume them, but the basis of why.  
I suppose it's as I've written in the past. I'm sitting at the edge, with my legs dangling over. It wouldn't take much to topple over. And it is tempting. Very tempting. Sometimes it seems logical. Rarely is it fueled by emotion. But I love him and do not wish him pain. He has dealt with far too much in his life already.'_

Naruto set his pencil down, his hand was cramping from all the writing he had done. He had to speak with Itachi when he returned home. He only hoped words didn't fail him as they so often did. He wasn't sure what the outcome of their talk would be, but it needed to happen. He needed to be brutally honest about everything. Try to explain things he hasn't been able to in past conversations. Mostly, because he completely forgot about them, but also because he is unsure of how to word things when it comes to verbally discussing things. Nonetheless, he loves Itachi and knows this is for the best. It's what Itachi has been asking for, for them to truly talk. And so he will.


	2. Chapter 2

As was typical, words all but failed him when he spoke. But the talk went relatively well. They more or less reached an understanding. Lately, things have been going well. He's trying. Making efforts. It's not really hard to make the effort, for the most part, just strange. Usually, he would be gaming, chatting on Live. Now though, he's spending time with Itachi, playing cards, coloring, watching movies Itachi likes, occasionally they play Rock Band.

He feels different. Perhaps this combination of meds is actually working. He thinks it's too soon for that though, he's only been taking the new combination for the last few days. Whatever it is, for the most part, he feels different. Better, even. Obviously there are still times when he doesn't feel like that, but that's simply circumstantial.

In the last week or so, he hasn't felt suicidal. Which is probably a good thing.  
Despite that, he's had dreams.  
One was a couple of days ago, he dreamed that he had been taken to the hospital, he wasn't sure why, but Itachi had taken him and he had been admitted. His eyes were lifeless blue orbs that stared at nothing. He simply sat or laid on his bed in the mental wing. Nurses would occasionally come to check his vitals but he never said anything to them. They would come to remind him of group and meals, he didn't go to group but went out to eat a small amount before returning to his room. In the dream, he remembered thinking, "How's that for your Thanksgiving?". He didn't smile or anything at the thought, he just continued to stare at the wall.

He woke, slightly shaken, but he had strange dreams often. Dreams were simply one's subconscious trying to make sense of waking thoughts the conscious mind couldn't. He brushed it off as meaning nothing.  
As days passed, he thought about the question his therapist had posed to him when he had left her office. 'Why did his old beliefs mean so much to him?' He thought he had figured it out. They gave him a sense of purpose, a sense of clarity. That life actually had meaning, even if it was already pre-mapped by the Sisters of Fate. Though he believed, as happened in God of War, one's Fate could be changed, perhaps not in so drastic a manner as Kratos had gone about it, but it could be changed. However, he believed Fate and Destiny to be two separate things. Fate was death, while Destiny was what one was meant to do during their lifespan.  
Which brought him to his next line of thought, why did he self-harm? It felt good, yes. He never regretted doing it. It was because he wanted to feel physical pain. Because that was easier to deal with. It didn't take away any psychological pain, but it made him forget about it for a while. Though there were different forms his self-harm took. It wasn't always outwardly visible or even feel-able right away. For years, he had taken to drinking monsters. Despite having been forbidden to have them before he turned 18. A year or two prior to starting to drink monster, he had been drinking an excessive amount of Mountain Dew. He had done that, because he liked the taste of the drink, he didn't know it was extremely bad for one's insides. When he found out, he was given the choice of continuing though his adoptive mother wouldn't continue to buy them for him, or drinking caffeine-less soda. He chose caffeine-less. He knew, if he continued, he would have died because his kidneys would have shut down and he would have refused dialysis. And kidney donors were rare, any organ donors were, and there were definitely those that needed one more, and besides, he wouldn't change his ways if he had continued as he was, so it would have been a waste.  
So when he switched to monster, he knew he was doing it again, but he didn't care. He only had maybe one a week, at first. When he started working though, especially his most recent old job, he had started drinking them daily. Even if for a while it had been the caffeine-less ones. He switched back to the caffeinated ones though, drinking one to two every night he worked, five nights a week.  
He knew he needed to stop, and so after a while, he did. He even started cutting his regular soda intake. Drinking carbonated water instead. Since that was the primary reason he liked soda, the carbonation.

Maybe Itachi will feel like coloring or playing cards soon. He'll have to ask him once he finishes the laundry that's in the dryer. Which he should probably go check on...  
Naruto glanced at the time, almost, though it was a smaller load than the last time he had done laundry, so it might be done. And then he would have to fold and hang and put away everything he could. The joys of laundry, right? Right.  
He chuckled to himself, starting to smile, hoping he and Itachi could do something together. Maybe even play a difficult card game. His smile broke into a grin when he saw Itachi shrugging on his jacket to go outside. The temperatures had been falling lately. Now that November was nearly over.

Maybe... Just maybe...


	3. Chapter 3

'I feel restless. At least, when he's here it's bearable...,' Naruto thought as he laid in their bed.  
Itachi had to go to work, he had only been gone nearly two hours. And already Naruto missed him. There was just something about him that quelled the restlessness in the younger blond. He made it easier.  
He had already finished the dishes except one pan they were reusing. Laundry was drying the last load. He had some psychology work, just looking over the next two chapters, but otherwise he had nothing he really needed to do. Nothing was really holding his attention. He couldn't decide what to try. Reading for a while maybe. Maybe go play on his xbox. Yesterday he had been really excited about trying a new theory on his game, but today it just seemed like too much work. It would keep him busy for a while though...

Things were largely good between he and Itachi lately. They played a lot of rock band. They were trying to find others to play with and to play cards with. Perhaps a night of drinking and cards once a month or something.

Having finally started school, the blond is slightly worried about it but tries not to dwell on it. Sometimes he still feels suicidal, but he can typically push that away. Sometimes all he wants to do is sleep. Sometimes he will. Other times he makes himself get up and do something. Even if it's just wandering aimlessly around the apartment.

In class, he hadn't realized he should be taking notes until the professor mentioned others were taking notes. It made sense to, he realized. He shouldn't need to be told to take notes. He had to be more aware. He was just so tired..., focusing on things was hard sometimes. It didn't matter how much sleep he got, he remained tired.

He ate the rest of his XL Kitkat and drank a cold, slightly slushy rootbeer. He felt better after doing so. Chocolate is, afterall, an antidepressant. He thought maybe he could read until the laundry finished then go play that game he had been thinking about. He had to start dinner around five thirty or get it in the oven by then. Itachi would be getting home as they ate or as they finished. Or he could make it slightly later and it would be ready when Itachi got home... He wasn't sure so he decided to stick with the five thirty plan.

'If my mood depletes I'm going to be irritated,' he thought as he took another sip of rootbeer. As of now, he felt better, fine even. Almost as much as when he and Itachi were sitting together. He felt 'normal'. At least, that was the most apt word he could think of. It was kind of strange. He remembered feeling that way for a while when he had been taking Prozac, until it stopped working. The current combination was largely working though, he rarely felt the depression, but he was restless often, and tired. But those things were fine, he wasn't as bad as he had been. That was a good thing. Though he should probably tell the doctor at their next appointment. Changes might have to be made to the medication... Or maybe the restlessness would go away once warmer weather returned and he could go outside and stuff.

He flopped on to the bed and looked at his phone. Two more hours or so, until Itachi would be home on lunch. Two hours that couldn't go by fast enough. Then another three or so hours until Itachi was home for the night. Maybe they could play rock band or cards after he ate dinner.

For now, he would read. Hopefully the laundry would finish drying soon. So that could be completely done.


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they don't go how you want or expect. Sometimes..., there is no talking. Sometimes it's for the best, even if you can't see it right then. Sometimes...

Things hurt. But I can't cry. Not anymore. It's not worth it. Nothing will change. What's done is done. Even if I still love him. It's over. I've moved out. Completely.  
It hurts. I'm alone. Again. I don't mind being alone..., not really. It's just nice to have someone. Even if it's just for a night.

I don't know why I bother writing this. It's not like anything will change. No one will read it. It's my personal writing. It's funny. Breathing Slowly by Crossfade came on as soon as I turned on my music. An apt song, no?  
Of course, after that, Kill Everyone by Hollywood Undead came on. An old favorite but not one that's listened to much anymore. And then, Amaryllis by Shinedown came on. A beautiful song. One that makes me think of Itachi...

There for you by Flyleaf came on next. I sang softly along with Lacey. The words were so true... Unbelievably so. I want him still. But it has only been almost a day since he told me...  
Maybe it gets easier..., I don't know.  
For now, there's no talking. It's over and I need to accept it...


End file.
